Broken Spirit

I’m not even sure where to start with this post. It’s been a brutal week and after 3 days I am finally able to actually write about what has been going on. I have felt like my body is slowly letting me down and breaking and I have been trying my hardest to keep my spirits up. My mind is definitely not in the same space as my body. It’s weird because why should I be so surprised to find myself in this situation??? I was clearly pushing my body, training with bootcamp, run/walk training 4-5 tiimes a week and I shouldn’t be surprised it has come to a screeching hault. On Monday I set out to do 24km but at the 21k mark my knees couldn’t take anymore. I called hubby to come and get me off my route and frustrated as ever I headed home. I knew I was in pain but that’s really nothing new for me, I always have some pain but this time the pain took hold of my spirit and mentally I broke down.

I guess I needed a voice of reason because a very good friend of mine decided it was time to tell it like it is! That was a hard conversation to hear because I knew it was all true and that I would have to slow things down but it was a breaking point for me. I cried and I wasn’t sure why I was crying, was it because I was in so much physical pain or was it the mental pain I was feeling because I felt like I was failing at what I set out to do. Right now the end is so close yet so far away. I found a quote by -Vince Lombardi, I have no idea who he is..lol but the quote was so fitting for what I am feeling right now … “The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender! “ I need to complete this journey one way or another and so I have to face the fact that I may have to walk another entire marathon. I didn’t want to walk the entire thing but the truth is, I don’t think at this point there is any possible way I can run anymore. So time to pysche myself up to be out on the course for 8 hours yet again! Thank goodness my teamie Tracy will be there this time to walk it with me, it won’t be as lonely as the last marathon I did!

So for now I am on limited activity as I try and get some of the swelling and inflammation down in my knee. I’m slowly getting the feeling back in my foot. I guess with so much swelling it’s pushing on the nerves and causing the numbness and tingling. I have seen my family Dr who has put in a referral to see my surgeon that did my previous knee surgeries but I have no idea how long it’s going to take to get in and see him. It doesn’t really matter anyway because seeing him isn’t going to change the fact that I can’t run. I’m actually afraid to see him before the marathon because I’m scared to death he might say I can’t even walk it and that would completely devastate me.

A friend posted a picture on facebook about being Successful and under the picture of the straightline it says “what people think it looks like” and then under the picture of the very twisted squiggly line it says “what it really looks like!” It is soooo true and I can’t thank my friends and family enough right now as they support me through that squiggly line!